condemned to be free

You're not the first to feel that way, believe me, I know. It's what we fear most when we are feeling the warm breeze of love caressing our face and teasing our heart. As you feel that cold, bitter, choking feeling crawl up your feet into your heart, you start to remember all those times you've heard people telling you, "You don't realize what you have, until you have lost it". What do they know? You what I think? I think you don't realize what you can lose, until you have loved it. Love is a curse. It knows its way around us, it knows when to strike, its timing is perfectly precise and flawless: it hits us the very moment we put our guard down, even if it was just for a second. After that, you are doomed and you won't realize it because you've been blindfolded with a smooth and frail veil of idealization, devotion and burning passion.

It's not loss you fear. You fear being tested on your capability of forgiveness and trust. Your actions and choices are defined by your assumptions and imagination; and your thoughts, betrayed by the constant questioning of the situation. In this case, ignorance is bliss if you ask me. Ignoring the possibilities and focusing on the facts is the answer, and the benefit of the doubt is the road that'll lead you to it. Learn to read between the lines, embrace the space between. You are experiencing something new, or better said, you are now conscious of it. You crave a feeling to belong, you desire to be part of something (or someone...), you simply want to be. That feeling gives you the freedom and imprisonment you cannot bear. You are free to experience your life and choices without regret always on a search to belong; and at the same time, you are a prisoner in a maximum insecurity cell guarded by memories and imagination.

I've been there, I probably still am. You are free as you hold on to your purpose; you are free as you embrace your fears and disappointments; you are free as you give freedom and trust. I fear loss, I fear being tested, I fear my purpose, I fear freedom. Freedom is imprisonment and we are forced to do our time. Freedom is inevitable. We cannot fight it, for as Sartre wisely said, "we are condemned to be free"...

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