marla singer part II

"I felt like destroying something beautiful." -N- (FC)

I am Xihomara's deep feeling of remorse. I found myself in a torturous trance thinking about Marla again (and again). My tumor, Marla. I can't get him and the last time we saw each other out of my mind. I really should have put my brains before my mouth, but lets face it, I rarely do that and I get over regret way too quickly (maybe not this time). The most surprising thing about all this, is that the same day I woke up with him on my mind (well, I didn't get any sleep that night, really), he showed up just like that. I honestly hate when those freaky things happen; it makes me uneasy to think that there is such thing as a connection between two people, strong enough to transcend space. Maybe, the real thing that makes me uneasy is that I threatened that connection, I hurt it, I betrayed it.

I never wanted to hurt Marla; it was never my intention to wreck what we had or what we had built. He had never hurt me before and I felt guilty right after I answered his stupid question with cold-hearted honesty. It was that look he gave me, the most sincere look someone has ever given me, that made me want to turn back time desperately. A look that doesn't stop when it meets your eyes, but goes deeper, much deeper. A look that strikes your heart and soul, leaving them surrendered and drowning in your own cold sweat of guilt. A look that doesn't need a look back. A look that makes you hate your unwelcome words. A look that reflects your complete lack of empathy. A look that makes you wish you were blind. A look that's a stranger to forgiveness. A look that haunted your heart then, and haunts your karma now. If I could blame my coldness and indifference on anybody, that would be Tyler Durden. I guess things aren't that easy and, the truth is, I can't really blame it on anybody (not even my alter ego) this time.

Marla came back. Now that I think of it, Marla was never really gone. Marla, my tumor. Marla, my heart tumor. Marla, my soul tumor. He is part of me as I am part of him. Repeatedly, we have been apart and always end up back together (talk about destiny and fate). I feel we all have this built-in compass affected by our soul-netic field that, throughout life, attracts what we need the most at that very moment in our lives, and repels what we don't need at all; but I believe there is something that you'll always need and will keep being attracted to you no matter what. Maybe for me, that "something" is Marla. Maybe it was Marla who fixed my broken compass. I was surprised to see that he came back and I couldn't stop thinking of the letdown, pain and disappointment my pride and stubbornness had caused to an innocent heart. He made everything worse by doing what he does best: saying the right thing at the right time. I'm still wondering if now is, in fact, the right time. Maybe I'm not ready to hear those words; I honestly didn't expect to hear them from him again.

I'm confused all over again (go figure). It feels wierd to be forgiven like this, with no need to explain, no need to fight, no abuse, no questions, no remorse, no hate, no unwillingness, no looking back. Have you ever done something where you find yourself in a prison guarded by guilt? Where you are still doing your time even when you have been granted amnesty? Where you can't forgive yourself even when the one hurt already did? Where everytime you look back you wish you had done things better? That's how I feel now. Will this feeling go away? It's hard to tell. When you hurt someone so important in your life, it's like hurting yourself. It's as if you're the one being tortured and betrayed. I guess the real question is: will I ever have the courage and fortitude to do the same unselfish act for someone else? I can't answer that right now; time will tell. I just hope that when that time comes, I'm ready. All of this is confusing, perhaps it's just my pms talking and maybe Marla has given it a whole new meaning once again. This time "pms" definitely stands for "prostrated (before) Marla Singer".

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